I love how you turn attention to how hard it is to pull off authoritative parenting. Most parenting discourse talks about parenting styles as though it were primarily a matter of values or knowledge, as if parents who yell or give in are simply uninformed about better approaches. But parenting style is also, and perhaps very often, a resource problem. Authoritative parenting is cognitively and emotionally demanding, even with great resources, I'd say. The scaffolding itself is unevenly distributed in ways that map almost perfectly onto already existing inequalities. The parents with the least access to rest, support, predictable rhythms, and outsourcing household labour are disproportionately the ones already under the most financial and social pressure. I completely agree that talks about parenting styles should include material and social conditions that support or undermine it. Great writing, Dorota, you've done it again!
I run How To Talk So Kids Will Listen workshops (a great authoritative framework), with international cohorts. My experience is that there is definitely a contingent of parents who are very uneasy with their own authority, but I don’t think it lines up with leftist politics, not for an international definition of leftist politics. I observed much more of a reaction to the parent’s personal story.
I also observed a fascinating linguistic phenomenon, which is an overrepresentation of permissive parenting among English speaking parents who self identify as “gentle parents”, in a way that isn’t found among parents natives of other languages following frameworks that ought to be similar on paper. I am convinced that the word “gentle” itself attracts a certain kind of person that balks at their own authority, in a way that benevolent or positive or authoritative or any number of other terms for “non coercive parenting” do not.
Thank you, I was hoping you’d comment with your French / German perspective! My sense is that Germany is beginning to move towards gentle parenting, but it’s definitely mostly people who are exposed to English speaking parenting content.
“Honestly, if I went to work and everyone went to meetings and wrote emails and stuff, but put only me in the corner to watch cartoons, I would eventually be like: ‘Guys, sorry, but does everyone here think I’m fucking stupid?’ I wouldn’t enjoy it. Personally I want to be involved.”
> I can think of so many times I’ve seen an exhausted parent do something completely superfluous when what they really needed was a nap.
This is a big one for me. So many parents are into competitive complaining about how tired they are. Like whatever, last week you told me you watched all of Grey's Anatomy three entire times and spent 45 minutes making Marcella Hazan's famous tomato sauce for pasta dinner. Just buy a jar next time and take a nap in those 43 minutes I just freed up for you and stop complaining about how tired you are.
This is great and stimulated many thoughts. The one I keep coming back to in the frame of permissive and authoritarian vs hunter-gatherer and authoritative approaches is the centering of the child.
This is an inherent contradiction, because being a father is definitely the most important thing in my life, but I also recognize that fixation on that alone undermines the goal. Whether micromanaging (authoritarian) or improperly submitting (permissive) you artificially inflate the child’s perception of their place in the family and the world. Specifically, it gives them the impression that they are the most important thing in the world, because the most important people to them (their parents) are so singularly invested in their happiness or success. The authoritative approach lets the child feel loved but also helps/forces them to recognize they are part of a family and a world bigger than themselves - a deeply healthy perspective!
This article was a fascinating read. Thank you for all the effort - and humor! - that you put into writing it. My first job ever was working in a daycare center, where I was exposed to MANY variations on permissive and authoritarian parenting and a few great examples of authoritative parenting. Upon reflection, my husband and I have had enough resources to be mostly effective at authoritative parenting. I’ll just add that my best parenting discovery ever was asking my children to name their own punishment a la “if you can’t follow the rule, what do you think should happen.” I learned they’d always choose a harsher punishment than I would have dealt! (Might they even have thrown their own iPads out the car window…? Hmm)
Very interesting, I’m glad you touched on hunter gatherers because this was my first thought, ‘what about that style and the style described in hunt parent gather’ could this in fact be the most effective style but we just don’t have rigorous evidence on it? I appreciate though that there is a whole community and environment which supports that style. However I think (keen to hear your thoughts) there is a crossover with those styles and nuanced authoritative and that’s supporting autonomy (while having boundaries but not excessive rules and boundaries).
The tie story also reminds me it’s also about how you view the child and what you think about them. Do you view them as capable and interesting, or do you view them as annoying and unable? They feel this and respond so quickly to it, as do adults.
What a fantastic piece, so happy to see this come across my feed. I feel it would be accurate to say that becoming an authoritative parent at its core involves being/becoming a leader who our children want to follow. This is as much an interior work as it is outward behaviors (although, as with all parenting, 'fake it til you make it' is not a terrible strategy in a pinch)- and that makes it especially hard because you have to take a long hard uncomfortable look at yourself. As an adoptive (and biological) mother, I can say that this is the only type of parenting that works with adoptees- biological children will more readily comply with authoritarian parents since they have bonded with them from the start, and permissive parenting does not supply the kind yet firm authority that a child from a traumatic background needs. So there is a narrow tightrope of being a calm, trustworthy, kind, firm and fair parent to a child who may not want anything to do with you. But honestly I feel the journey to this becoming has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Look forward to reading more of your writings.
Yes! The inner work is so important and so easily forgotten. New moms are often surprised by the old traumas and inherited behavior patterns resurfacing at the worst moments. We should talk about that more. When my son was little I found the hard way that parenting is terribly difficult when you have to deal with toddler tantrums and your own infantile reactions at the same time. And if most of the rotten baggage comes from your own family, you can't even rely on the support of grandparents and aunts. So it's the outside help that matters most.
Completely agree! A mom friend of 3 recently gave parenting advice to a group of new moms by phrasing her style as “get off your butt parenting.” Authoritative parenting is hard work but (hopefully!) it pays off in the long run and ends up making your life easier because you have happy, helpful kids you actually want to be around. As a teacher my goal was always to have a class that basically ran itself in the spring. If a sub was there, they took over content, but all other routines and structures were basically kid-managed. This took a ton of work to foster independence in the beginning half of the year but it does pay off! I only have a baby now but hoping to have the same style as she grows older and can take on more and more ownership over her daily life.
As a parent who was told I was a bit of a “general” with my daughter this was refreshing to read. We have a warm and loving relationship with clear boundaries and expectations. She is not confused on what is expected of her even now as a teenager. She doesn’t speak to me meanly or push back on contributing because expectations and communication have always been clear. She was kept on a bit of schedule to ensure regularity and calm to keep her from flying off the handle and as a result she self regulates even as a teenager and goes to bed between 9-10 every night because she knows it feels better for her mentally. I loved reading this.
I think multi age playgroups really works as well. My youngest picked up certain skills much faster and she’s clearly learning from her older sisters. If the older kids are regulated and obedient to adults, they are much more likely inclined to be. If the older kids are naughty, they will be too. “Setting an example” is an actual thing. Too bad my eldest is 4.5 and still quite prone to naughtiness 🤣
This is hilarious and some of the best writing I've ever seen on Substack. I really enjoyed the cultural mismatch point - the cultural meaning even of things like smacking has changed significantly over the past 20-30 years. I'd say on a good day I'm authoritative and in a bad day "because I said so" rears its ugly head...
As an overwhelmed single mom, thank you for these observations. My overworked frazzled brain does often fluctuate between "do what you want I don't have the energy to fight you" to "because I damn said so." I often say that if I had backup in the form of a partner or aunts or grandparents etc I'd be such a better more effective parent. Sometimes a kid just needs to hear it from more than one adult.
I think an additional thing that may sometimes play into this, that you didn't mention, is how the parent was parented. Many of those that were raised by authoritarian parents, don't want to repeat that and often swing too far into permissive parenting to not be like their parents.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate this article. It came during an exceptionally difficult weekend and it reminded me that we are doing the right thing and acting in the right way and to give myself grace. It even helped with bedtime as I was able to be calm and confident instead of frazzled after a day of constant resistance. It's just really hard out here in the WEIRD trenches, especially with no extended family support on either side. Thank you <3
Maybe already intended by you from your medieval illustration for permissive parenting - a spoiled / pandered-ti child is idiomatically in french, literally l'enfant roi.
I love how you turn attention to how hard it is to pull off authoritative parenting. Most parenting discourse talks about parenting styles as though it were primarily a matter of values or knowledge, as if parents who yell or give in are simply uninformed about better approaches. But parenting style is also, and perhaps very often, a resource problem. Authoritative parenting is cognitively and emotionally demanding, even with great resources, I'd say. The scaffolding itself is unevenly distributed in ways that map almost perfectly onto already existing inequalities. The parents with the least access to rest, support, predictable rhythms, and outsourcing household labour are disproportionately the ones already under the most financial and social pressure. I completely agree that talks about parenting styles should include material and social conditions that support or undermine it. Great writing, Dorota, you've done it again!
This.
A fascinating topic!
I run How To Talk So Kids Will Listen workshops (a great authoritative framework), with international cohorts. My experience is that there is definitely a contingent of parents who are very uneasy with their own authority, but I don’t think it lines up with leftist politics, not for an international definition of leftist politics. I observed much more of a reaction to the parent’s personal story.
I also observed a fascinating linguistic phenomenon, which is an overrepresentation of permissive parenting among English speaking parents who self identify as “gentle parents”, in a way that isn’t found among parents natives of other languages following frameworks that ought to be similar on paper. I am convinced that the word “gentle” itself attracts a certain kind of person that balks at their own authority, in a way that benevolent or positive or authoritative or any number of other terms for “non coercive parenting” do not.
Thank you, I was hoping you’d comment with your French / German perspective! My sense is that Germany is beginning to move towards gentle parenting, but it’s definitely mostly people who are exposed to English speaking parenting content.
I laughed out loud here:
“Honestly, if I went to work and everyone went to meetings and wrote emails and stuff, but put only me in the corner to watch cartoons, I would eventually be like: ‘Guys, sorry, but does everyone here think I’m fucking stupid?’ I wouldn’t enjoy it. Personally I want to be involved.”
Loved reading this!
> I can think of so many times I’ve seen an exhausted parent do something completely superfluous when what they really needed was a nap.
This is a big one for me. So many parents are into competitive complaining about how tired they are. Like whatever, last week you told me you watched all of Grey's Anatomy three entire times and spent 45 minutes making Marcella Hazan's famous tomato sauce for pasta dinner. Just buy a jar next time and take a nap in those 43 minutes I just freed up for you and stop complaining about how tired you are.
BIG YES TO THIS
Except that the sauce is in fact so easy to make! I have become a convert on this point.
This is great and stimulated many thoughts. The one I keep coming back to in the frame of permissive and authoritarian vs hunter-gatherer and authoritative approaches is the centering of the child.
This is an inherent contradiction, because being a father is definitely the most important thing in my life, but I also recognize that fixation on that alone undermines the goal. Whether micromanaging (authoritarian) or improperly submitting (permissive) you artificially inflate the child’s perception of their place in the family and the world. Specifically, it gives them the impression that they are the most important thing in the world, because the most important people to them (their parents) are so singularly invested in their happiness or success. The authoritative approach lets the child feel loved but also helps/forces them to recognize they are part of a family and a world bigger than themselves - a deeply healthy perspective!
This article was a fascinating read. Thank you for all the effort - and humor! - that you put into writing it. My first job ever was working in a daycare center, where I was exposed to MANY variations on permissive and authoritarian parenting and a few great examples of authoritative parenting. Upon reflection, my husband and I have had enough resources to be mostly effective at authoritative parenting. I’ll just add that my best parenting discovery ever was asking my children to name their own punishment a la “if you can’t follow the rule, what do you think should happen.” I learned they’d always choose a harsher punishment than I would have dealt! (Might they even have thrown their own iPads out the car window…? Hmm)
Very interesting, I’m glad you touched on hunter gatherers because this was my first thought, ‘what about that style and the style described in hunt parent gather’ could this in fact be the most effective style but we just don’t have rigorous evidence on it? I appreciate though that there is a whole community and environment which supports that style. However I think (keen to hear your thoughts) there is a crossover with those styles and nuanced authoritative and that’s supporting autonomy (while having boundaries but not excessive rules and boundaries).
The tie story also reminds me it’s also about how you view the child and what you think about them. Do you view them as capable and interesting, or do you view them as annoying and unable? They feel this and respond so quickly to it, as do adults.
What a fantastic piece, so happy to see this come across my feed. I feel it would be accurate to say that becoming an authoritative parent at its core involves being/becoming a leader who our children want to follow. This is as much an interior work as it is outward behaviors (although, as with all parenting, 'fake it til you make it' is not a terrible strategy in a pinch)- and that makes it especially hard because you have to take a long hard uncomfortable look at yourself. As an adoptive (and biological) mother, I can say that this is the only type of parenting that works with adoptees- biological children will more readily comply with authoritarian parents since they have bonded with them from the start, and permissive parenting does not supply the kind yet firm authority that a child from a traumatic background needs. So there is a narrow tightrope of being a calm, trustworthy, kind, firm and fair parent to a child who may not want anything to do with you. But honestly I feel the journey to this becoming has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Look forward to reading more of your writings.
Thank you for sharing your unique perspective - should like I should be reading YOUR articles, not vice versa!
Maybe one day!
Yes! The inner work is so important and so easily forgotten. New moms are often surprised by the old traumas and inherited behavior patterns resurfacing at the worst moments. We should talk about that more. When my son was little I found the hard way that parenting is terribly difficult when you have to deal with toddler tantrums and your own infantile reactions at the same time. And if most of the rotten baggage comes from your own family, you can't even rely on the support of grandparents and aunts. So it's the outside help that matters most.
Completely agree! A mom friend of 3 recently gave parenting advice to a group of new moms by phrasing her style as “get off your butt parenting.” Authoritative parenting is hard work but (hopefully!) it pays off in the long run and ends up making your life easier because you have happy, helpful kids you actually want to be around. As a teacher my goal was always to have a class that basically ran itself in the spring. If a sub was there, they took over content, but all other routines and structures were basically kid-managed. This took a ton of work to foster independence in the beginning half of the year but it does pay off! I only have a baby now but hoping to have the same style as she grows older and can take on more and more ownership over her daily life.
“Get off your butt parenting” was an actual parenting website when my kids were little.
So true, and I honestly think being a teacher makes it easier to be a mum! You’re less surprised by the inevitable shenanigans
As a parent who was told I was a bit of a “general” with my daughter this was refreshing to read. We have a warm and loving relationship with clear boundaries and expectations. She is not confused on what is expected of her even now as a teenager. She doesn’t speak to me meanly or push back on contributing because expectations and communication have always been clear. She was kept on a bit of schedule to ensure regularity and calm to keep her from flying off the handle and as a result she self regulates even as a teenager and goes to bed between 9-10 every night because she knows it feels better for her mentally. I loved reading this.
I think multi age playgroups really works as well. My youngest picked up certain skills much faster and she’s clearly learning from her older sisters. If the older kids are regulated and obedient to adults, they are much more likely inclined to be. If the older kids are naughty, they will be too. “Setting an example” is an actual thing. Too bad my eldest is 4.5 and still quite prone to naughtiness 🤣
This is hilarious and some of the best writing I've ever seen on Substack. I really enjoyed the cultural mismatch point - the cultural meaning even of things like smacking has changed significantly over the past 20-30 years. I'd say on a good day I'm authoritative and in a bad day "because I said so" rears its ugly head...
Thank you for your support! <3
As an overwhelmed single mom, thank you for these observations. My overworked frazzled brain does often fluctuate between "do what you want I don't have the energy to fight you" to "because I damn said so." I often say that if I had backup in the form of a partner or aunts or grandparents etc I'd be such a better more effective parent. Sometimes a kid just needs to hear it from more than one adult.
I think an additional thing that may sometimes play into this, that you didn't mention, is how the parent was parented. Many of those that were raised by authoritarian parents, don't want to repeat that and often swing too far into permissive parenting to not be like their parents.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate this article. It came during an exceptionally difficult weekend and it reminded me that we are doing the right thing and acting in the right way and to give myself grace. It even helped with bedtime as I was able to be calm and confident instead of frazzled after a day of constant resistance. It's just really hard out here in the WEIRD trenches, especially with no extended family support on either side. Thank you <3
It really is and you’re doing great
She's done it again!
Huge thanks to a valued paid subscriber
Maybe already intended by you from your medieval illustration for permissive parenting - a spoiled / pandered-ti child is idiomatically in french, literally l'enfant roi.
I didn’t know that! Makes sense